Campaign Nightmares S1E1: Perry for President

INT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS (NIGHT)

GORDON RAMSAY

This week, I’m trying to save Rick Perry’s campaign for president. The campaign stops are endless, and the speeches are shocking.

I’ll have to deal with possibly the stupidest supporters in the world. A crazy campaign manager, and an a candidate obsessed with deep-fat-fried corn dogs.

EXT CAMPAIGN STOP
(Candidate Perry comes down off the podium to raucous cheers from supporters in South Carolina)

GORDON

Rick, what the fuck were you doin’ up there?

PERRY

Well, Gordon, I’s jus’ tellin’ them folks how we’re all for God ‘n’ country, wavin’ the flag and all that stuff. Yeeehaw!

GORDON

Oh, fuck me! Listen, Rick, you’ve got to get on message, but you need a message that appeals to people outside your own clientele. We need to work on your “menu” if you will, scale it down, widen its appeal, or it’s all going to go pear-shaped.

PERRY

Can I still shoot mah guns?

GORDON

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Rick. Will you stop worrying about your six-shooter and start worrying about the six other punters who are in this race against you? You want to wank on about your pistols, go back to that racist hunting camp you came from. If you want to campaign with the big boys, then listen to what I say.

INT WIDE SHOT OF STAGE FOR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

GORDON (VOICE OVER)

We’ve got less than 12 hours to get Rick Perry ready for his second debate. And this time, he’s facing some real competition. No, not the other candidates, but that jackass Wolf Blitzer from CNN.

INT GORDON FACES RICK PERRY IN THE GREEN ROOM

Listen to me, Rick. You’ve got only a few hours to get your head in the game. What are you willing to do to prove that you have what it takes to be the president of the United Fucking States of America?

PERRY

Well, I’ll tell ‘em Amer’ca is just a bigger version of Texas. And I’ve run Texas fer years now, so they should vote fer me, ’cause I’m not Mitt Romney.

GORDON
(SHAKING HEAD, HAND ON FOREHEAD)

Jesus Christ. You are pathetic. There’s no way you’re going to stand up to Barack Obama with that kind of backwater pablum. That is just shit. Show them you care, Rick. Show them you have a plan. You do have a plan, don’t you?

PERRY

Why, sure I do. Texas!

GORDON

Fuck me. (SIGHS)

INTRO MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY

Right, off you go then.

(SCENE)

*** Disclaimer: This is satire and in no way actually associated with Gordon Ramsay, Rick Perry or anyone else in the world.

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Many moons ago in the blogosphere there was a minor writer with the moniker “Bryan S.” who flew the flag of “Arguing with Signposts.” His politics were vaguely conservative, warblogger, humorist, cynic, libertarian. In short, he screwed all that up. So, you might say this is my attempt to set that stuff straight. The flag is flying again. But we’ve set a course that’s at odds with the haze of the last eight years. Onward!

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