I’ve looked into this valley before. I’m saying this because I hope nobody ever has to go through this. It sucks. It tears my soul apart.

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t even wish this on Dick Cheney or Grover Fucking Norquist. Because it sucks. And it’s dark, and I don’t know how to dig myself out of this pit without admitting that I suck at living. Yeah, it’s that kind of feeling.

Sometimes I hate my country. Most of the time, I just hate me.

15 responses to “Depression”

  1. Susan

    I wish there were something I could write that would take this off of you. Wishing doesn’t make it so, though. Day by day, man, even if this day sucks.

    And I try not to despise or wish ill on others, but Cheney just chaps my ass. I do hope that he would experience even just one tenth of your pain.

  2. The Arguing One

    thanks, susan. your words mean much.

  3. Scamp Dog

    I’ve been through a couple of rounds of treatment for depression myself. Even if it hasn’t helped that much in the past, give it another go. I’ve finally gotten myself to a decent place now, and have even convinced myself that it may stick this time. Best of luck!

  4. Susan

    It’s strange but this is the time of year that I feel the biggest swings in my mood. Spring usually makes me happier and more optimistic. But the anticipation of spring, the time change, changes in temperature drive me crazy. Stress out the wazoo. I don’t know what part of the country you are in but today we got some rain/sleet/snow in the northeast. During the winter snow can please me, but today I went out on my patio and wanted to cry. No real point here, but outside influences come and go. Eventually.

  5. a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    I wish I had good advice, but I don’t. It’s a truly horrific abyss, and one that isn’t understood at all by those who’ve never been to that edge and had a glimpse. For some folks, meds can get you through, and even then it’s often not easy. Sometimes meds need tweaking. Get as much sunlight as you can, and consider, perhaps, a full spectrum lamp. You’re in my thoughts.

  6. asiangrrlMN

    Man, I hear you. Depression is an abyss, for sure, as said by Bella Q. Are you seeing a therapist? I would urge you to do that. And, the living thing? I suck at it, too. I think most people do to some extent. I know you said cats can’t keep you out of it, but go cuddle Lady Smudge. It may lift the gloom for a minute. I have no sage words of wisdom. Just a fierce hug for you. I’m thinking about you.

  7. michilines

    I’ve been there, and it’s not pretty. My way has never been the best way, but I do what I can. Lately I have been focused on taking care of what presents itself to me. Something along the line of of one day at a time. This past weekend I couldn’t even do a damn thing after I trapped the next to last feral, who was pregnant. I could I have and actually did trap her before. I know she was pregnant and would cost more. I stressed over her for days and wasted another weekend. I could have done a lot more than watch tv to stop it.

    I’m back on the upside, but I know the downturn is always around the corner.

  8. cckids

    I’ve looked over that edge too, so when I say “hang in there”, I’m not being glib. Sometimes, when that cloud descends, all you can do is hold on to the good in your life (like Lady Smudge), and keep going, keep telling yourself it will lift. Because it will. There will be brighter days. Sending care & healing thoughts your way.

  9. Delia

    I’ve been down that hole myself more times than I’d like to say. But you know, the Dick Cheney types, I don’t think they ever go down there themselves. I think they just project it out of themselves onto the whole world. And that’s way worse.

  10. Maude

    I am thinking of you. Please just comment at BJ and let us try to comfort you. I know we can’t and I am totally helpless to help you, but there are some half way decent people at that blog. Not decent, mind you, but you take the bog you can get and not the blog you want.
    It is physical and there is no magic pill, but perhaps there are some drugs that lessen the hell.
    I knew someone who had severe depression. She said that every time she went to family functions, her relatives would speak very loudly and slowly at her. She said she had depression, not a hearing loss or stupidity.

  11. Maude

    I just saw my avi. Birdie will be watching over you. Isn’t that a nonsense statement?

  12. a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    I just stopped by to say “HI!” and hope that you’re not feeling any worse. I wish I had words of wisdom, beyond “hang in there.” I really do have a sense of what you mean, and it is soul draining. Please take care.

  13. WaterGirl

    Just wanted to write so you’ll know I’m thinking about you. I am headed to bed, but I hope to see you at BJ tomorrow. A lot of people care about you, me included. Give Smudge a snuggle and a smooch from me.

  14. a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    Hey tell the Lady Smudge hello from me, should she be receiving wishes. I was glad to see you at the Juice stand. I get how you feel, and you’re in my thoughts.

  15. WaterGirl

    Hey, AWS. Glad to see you have been showing up for a comment or two on BJ. Lots of us have asked how you are, so even though you haven’t replied, I hope you know there are tons of us who care and would like to help if we could.

This is not my beautiful house!

Many moons ago in the blogosphere there was a minor writer with the moniker “Bryan S.” who flew the flag of “Arguing with Signposts.” His politics were vaguely conservative, warblogger, humorist, cynic, libertarian. In short, he screwed all that up. So, you might say this is my attempt to set that stuff straight. The flag is flying again. But we’ve set a course that’s at odds with the haze of the last eight years. Onward!